3 Subtle Ways to Know Who You Can Really Trust

When forming new relationships, whether romantic, friendly, or professional, one question often quietly lingers: Can I trust this person? While it's tempting to rely on surface cues or gut feelings, trust is more complex than simply detecting honesty or deception. In fact, learning who’s truly trustworthy may come down to picking up on deeper, more nuanced signals.

It’s not just about whether they’re being truthful but also whether you feel safe being truthful with them. And while some of us are naturally more inclined to trust others, early life experiences, like those described by Erik Erikson’s stages of development or attachment theory, play a big part in shaping how we approach trust in adulthood. That said, assuming you’ve built a stable foundation, much of the work in discerning trust will rely on the cues the other person gives you.

Why Trust Is the Foundation of Growth—Especially in Therapy

In psychotherapy, trust isn’t optional, it’s essential. A client who can’t trust their therapist won’t open up, and without openness, healing stalls. But what exactly defines trust in this context?

A recent study by Shimrit Fisher and colleagues (2025) at the University of Haifa introduces the concept of epistemic trust (ET)—a person's openness to receiving and believing information from someone they consider reliable and emotionally attuned. In therapy, ET allows clients to take in insights, reflect meaningfully, and grow from the process. Without it, therapy becomes a conversation, not a transformation.

But this kind of trust isn’t limited to therapy. In daily life, whether you’re asking a friend for advice or listening to someone at a pharmacy explain allergy meds, you’re constantly evaluating: Can I believe this person? Should I take their word seriously?

Breaking Down the 3 Elements of Epistemic Trust

Fisher’s team developed a framework called the Epistemic Trust Rating System (ETRS) to understand and measure trust more effectively. After analyzing 118 therapy sessions, they identified three key elements that reflect whether someone is truly trustworthy, not just in therapy, but in everyday human connection.

1. Willingness to Share

• Low Trust: The person is closed off, avoids vulnerability, and sees little value in emotional expression.

• High Trust: They share openly and authentically, creating emotional space for connection.

  
  

2. “We-Mode” Communication

• Low Trust: There’s disconnection, interruptions, long silences, or one-sided conversations.

• High Trust: There’s flow, finishing each other’s thoughts, echoing ideas, and building on one another’s words.

  
  

3. Openness to Learning

• Low Trust: They dismiss others’ views or assume they already know better.

• High Trust: They reflect on patterns, acknowledge insights, and show genuine interest in change or understanding.

  
  

Among these, the "we-mode" is perhaps the most immediately recognizable. Think about the last time you felt truly in sync with someone you spoke the same language emotionally, understood each other’s pauses, and even shared jokes intuitively. That’s not just compatibility. It’s trust in motion.

How to Apply This in Real Life

These three cues can guide you in deciding whether a new connection is worth investing in. Ask yourself:

• Do I feel emotionally safe opening up to this person?

• Do we communicate with mutual respect and fluidity?

• Do they show interest in learning, or do they seem closed off to other perspectives?

  
  

Even casual interactions, like taking advice from a stranger or debating a topic with a coworker, are built on these layers of epistemic trust. You’re constantly scanning for signs: Do they understand me? Are they listening? Do they reflect back my words with care?

Trusting Despite the Risk

Some people may struggle more with trust, often due to past experiences or insecure attachments. The Haifa study also found that those with low attachment security were more likely to fear rejection, feel emotionally detached, or carry a cynical view of others. If you notice these traits in someone you’re trying to connect with, it may signal a bumpier road ahead but it doesn’t mean connection is impossible. It just might take more patience and clarity.

Final Thought: Trust Is a Two-Way Bridge

Trust isn’t built by perfection, it’s built by presence. When someone shows they’re emotionally available, willing to share, and ready to understand you, that’s a strong signal they’re worth letting in. And by offering the same in return, you lay the foundation for bonds that can shape your life in meaningful, lasting ways.